you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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