My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
