i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
