I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
