hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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