I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
