Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i think i have two assholes
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
