Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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