Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
