ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
