Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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