I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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