the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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