if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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