this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
