Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
did you just send me my own nude
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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