fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
