So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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