Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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