I bet he comes in French.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
