2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
