she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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