youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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