im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
