Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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