wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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