My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
