If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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