he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
