so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
