I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
