i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
