Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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