I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
