Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just high enough for therapy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
