i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
