his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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