So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
