Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
