Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
