Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Vodka?
Forever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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