Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
