I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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