I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
