Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.