Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
