Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her