Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
