Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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