I didn't shave. On purpose
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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