if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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