This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
well you can't waste a boner
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
