Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
