I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
too bad you live with your parents still
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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