I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
