his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
