i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
