Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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