Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
