i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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